The reason I’m writing this is because I really don’t know. Everything in my life feels as if it’s crumbling around me, and I’m desperately clutching to catch any pieces I can, only to discover that none of the pieces are tangible. They pass right through my outstretched hands as if they were holograms, displayed by some needlessly cruel puppet master, toying with his favorite victim.
My pain largely starts at the professional level. I spend more of my waking week at work than I do at home, or at least it feels as if I do. There is definitely not enough time in my day for any sort of social life, that’s for sure. And normally, that would be upsetting, but not crushing. However, most of the pressure of the store is being placed on my shoulders, as my boss is incredibly lazy and the other shift managers are either largely absent or incompetent. Sometimes they’re both at once. Compounded with the fact that, despite being a shift manager, I don’t actually get paid anymore than a regular staff member, and the fact that the store is steadily losing employees, whenever at work I am simply overwhelmed by everything going on around me. Principles alone allow me to struggle through each day, as I refuse to sacrifice work ethic to my stress overlord.
As we climb down from work, we reach my transportation situation. A couple of months ago, my car broke down outside of a post office. Due to the previously mentioned busy work life, I wasn’t able to go back to it for about five days, at which point it had been towed and kept in the towing company’s lot for four of those days. They were asking for $500 to get the car out of their lot, which would have left me with absolutely zero money to attempt to fix the car that already had several crippling issues, much less any cash to eat or pay bills. So I had to leave that car behind, and I was without transportation of my own for those two months. I had to rely on others, something I despise doing and which crushes my pride every time I do. But finally, this week, I bought a car of my own! No longer was I reliant on others, no longer did I have to schedule my life strangely to account for others’ schedules! That was, until, the car blew a tire on my way in to work today. There is no donut in my car to easily attach and continue going for a short period of time, either. Not only that, but as I attempted to remove the tire today I discovered that one bolt had been stripped nearly completely, making it impossible to remove via conventional methods (i.e. the only methods I know). So now, I do not even have the transportation I just purchased.
Next, my future living situation is a constant flip-flop. Currently, I live in a cheap apartment where I don’t have central air conditioning (I have a wall unit, which just does not reach the bedroom, and in Texas weather, that’s basically death) and where I’m constantly battling pest infestation. Even after a month of near-constant spraying, they have not completely disappeared. I was meant to move elsewhere with my ex-girlfriend a few months ago, but I believe the “ex-” prefix precludes that sad conclusion. Afterwards, I was meant to room with my best friend (that isn’t Raynar), but due to loss of my car they felt uncomfortable with my moving in and that future was nixed as well, possibly forever. Which leaves me living alone (and I don’t cope well with loneliness) and in an environment that only frustrates and upsets me.
Finally (and this is something that I’m terrified of talking about anywhere, but I know if I don’t get it out, I’ll just implode in a tangled mass of feelings), I’m consumed by my feelings for another person. Said other person has circumstances that make it impossible to address these feelings with them, but I feel like unless I do, I can’t move on. But that’s not fair to them, to subject them to my selfish feelings just because I have them. I’m just trapped in this cycle of liking them but unable to tell them that I do, but also unable to just drop the feelings and move on. It’s like my heart is caught in a vice grip, and either way I move can only lead to it being ripped open, and therefore I am forced to suffer in silence so as to not hurt others.
All of this while I’m trying to write, both a short story and the (supposedly) regular video game reviews, leaves me with no creative energy or motivation. There are things that I would like to do with my life, but circumstances only depress me and leave me incapable of doing anyrthing but half-heartedly playing video games and watching Netflix (which, incidentally, Master of None is what upset so much that I had to write this right after seeing a certain episode. Watch that show). I don’t know how to progress from this point, but this is where I’m at, and where I’m stuck for the time being.