You may have noticed that, for the past month or so, I haven’t written anything at all. My last post said I was taking a few days to recover from illness, and that was true. But after I recovered, I still didn’t write anything new, and there is a reason for that. This is my explanation and apology.
Depression is a meddlesome thing. I am fully aware that I am depressed, and I want to work past it, but I can never summon the energy to do so. It’s easier to do nothing than it is to do something. And although my head says that I can beat these feelings, my heart is apathetic at best.
That’s another thing about depression. I don’t necessarily feel sad. Mostly I just feel empty. I’m not upset about things going wrong in my life; rather, I care so little about them that it hurts and baffles me. When I do feel emotion, it’s usually just an outburst of anger or hatred. There’s no creative or positive spin I can put on what little emotion I can drag up.
Don’t get me wrong, though. I do still have fun, and I do have moments of happiness. The problem is that they are only moments. As soon as whatever made me happy is over, the feeling recedes, and emptiness takes its place once again.
So how do I fight my depression? Well, this is how. Writing for this site was how I was intending to combat the apathy. However, once I had an excuse to stop writing in the illness, it was all too easy to start saying, “I’ll write tomorrow.” Tomorrow never came, and so I let the site slip into stagnation within a month of starting it.
No more. I’m making the necessary changes in my personal life to raise my spirits and crawl out of this emotional slump I’ve been trapped in for far too long, and that means I’m going to post more. I’m going to write everyday, and post as frequently as I can, even if it’s just something random to occupy my mind.
So, if you’re reading this, thank you for your time and your support. I don’t mean to be such a downer, and I’m definitely not looking for pity. Rather, I’m promising you that I’m only going to get better from here on out, regardless of whatever curves life may throw at me. Once again, thank you, and I look forward to writing to you and for you in the future.